Shadflies return, steal dog

Shadflies return, steal dog

From: Phillip St. George, staff

Shad Lasers.jpg

In a shocking turn of events, shadflies have returned to North Bay.

The aquatic insects, typically measuring between 2 and 3 cm in size, have descended on the hapless city.

“I don’t know what they are!” says Margaret O’Donnell, a lifelong resident of North Bay. “My whole family is huddled in our house now, just waiting for the end.”

Despite there yet being any documented cases, Margaret swears that one bit her “right on the eyeball.”


Other North Bayites were quick to share their tales.

Sitting in the boarded up Twigg’s Cafe, Jennifer Crawley told thebaybay that a shadfly, “half the size of a truck” stole her prized dog Buttons.

“Buttons was the most beautiful, majestic dog,” sniffs Crawley, 32. “He was a doberman pinscher with a big heart and a small, powerful mouth.”

Some may remember Buttons as the dog who allegedly bit seven pedestrians and one park bench last year.

Not true, says Crawley. “Buttons didn’t bite anyone! Even with my complete neglect for his wellbeing, Buttons was a loving, caring dog with hard, sharp teeth. He would never have hurt a fly.”

Button’s demise

But it looks like a fly might have hurt him.

Hurtling in at a speed well over 60 kilometers an hour, with his wings “burning redder than both of Satan’s armpits” the shadfly descended on Buttons just outside Thompson Park and lifted him “higher than a North Bay tax hike.”

A support group for Buttons has sprung up on Facebook, with many blaming the North Bay Humane Society for not stopping the spread of shadflies.

Daryl Vaillancourt, head of the Humane Society, issued a statement yesterday.

“Shadflies are seasonal!” Daryl screamed, feverishly tearing the hair from his head. “They come every year! And they’re small. Really, really small! Good God, what is wrong with you people?!”

Vaillancourt’s statement is little comfort to people like Margaret O’Donnell, who has boarded up all her windows is living on emergency rations.

“It’s all over for us now” O’Donnell says, weeping . “The only comfort we have is that something like this will never, ever happen again.”


Quints Museum to be launched into space

Quints Museum to be launched into space

From: Phillip St. George, staff

Quints Rocket

After months of speculation as to where the Quint Museum would end up, a representative of city council announced today it was heading to space.

“The special review committee established by North Bay City Council has made the recommendation to strap the entirety of the Quint Museum to a rocket and launch it into orbit” said Councillor Chris Mayne. “The museum will be a great addition to the unexplored cosmos. Maybe attracting visitors like the International Space Station, or the MIR. The MIR’s still up there, right?”

April Consensus 

In April, a consensus was reached to move the beleaguered Museum to a spot near the Discovery North Bay Museum, but this was overturned last month when it was revealed that the Discovery North Bay Museum would be moving to an undisclosed location and would not be leaving a forwarding address.

An unnamed and underpaid museum curator was quoted as saying: “we really want to put the “Discovery” back into the Museum, so we’re moving the whole thing somewhere where you all can’t find it.”

New exhibits would include a collection of locally made teddy-bears, a full-sized locomotive made entirely of popsicle sticks, and a giant death laser.

Ominously stroking the death laser, the museum curator offered up “good luck, North Bay!” with a final, mischievous wink.

Friends of the Museum

Jeff Fournier, Chair of the “Friends of the Dionne Quintuplets Home Museum” was outraged by the news.

“Why are we launching it into space?!” he screamed. “It doesn’t make any sense at all!”

Susan O’Neill, a nearby member of the Friends who had been attracted by Fournier’s horrifying screams, offered up an alternative.

“Why not aim it at a planet?” she asked. “The Quints are an integral part of our heritage, and future extraterrestrial generations could learn more about the Quints on the red, acidic sands of Mars. I’m sure there’d be someone up there who would be happy to learn about this depressing part of our history.”

Mir Space Station

From the Mayor

Meanwhile, Mayor Al McDonald was confident the plan would move forward.

“I’ve got people at Canadore working on the rocket right now.” McDonald said. “And who knows? If this works out, just think of what we can shoot up there?”

When pressed, McDonald said he had a few ideas.

“I’m thinking we could put a Tim Horton’s up with the International Space Station. Or maybe, just for fun, that house on Cassell’s up close to the MIR.”

“The MIR’s still up there, right?”